Having my wounds healed, I decided to take it up a notch and double-turn my lessons to twice a day for 6 days a week. The teacher told me three things.
1) I was mad as a hatter.
2) I'd be dead by the end of the month.
3) If I wasn't dead by the end of the month, I would've leveled up faster than Speedy Gonzales on Red Bull.
Well, it's been a week since I started going twice a day and I already got new wounds. You know, the purple, nasty-looking ones. But then again, they don't hurt anymore after a day. Cuz I'm the goddamned Batman.
This week was GREAT on me, first I got great news about my college, then I got a very special message, followed by me totally OWNING my pals at DOTA on saturday ( Which is rare, since I prettymuch suck badly at that game ). And last but not least, I watched two game trailers that made me fangasm with the force of a thousand suns.
Megaman Online.
Fullstop.
For years, my megaman-loving ass has been ACHING for a new appearance of X, or a crossover between Classic/X series. And I got two trailers that show an appearently time-rip that allows robot masters and mavericks unite and storm the whole world, bringing Megaman, Protoman, Bass, X, Axl, Zero and Co to an alliance against the biggest god damn threat the Megaman universe has ever faced.
Did I mention I came? Because I did.
And no shitty gameplay-based trailers, no sir. Epic electronic bgm, beatiful OVA-like intros with a VERY nice artstyle that perfectly combines the styles of both the X and Zero series, thus FINALLY shutting up the saps claiming that Zero looked too girly in MMZ ( Its a blond guy with a ponytail and an armor with green boob-like gems. Whoop de fucking doo ).
Ahhhh this week has been great. I'm too beat to keep writing and I just hope that God, AKA The Man Upstairs, The Big Cheese, has some nice surprises in store for me. Because as of now, I'm thankful. So friggin thankful.
domingo, 17 de abril de 2011
viernes, 1 de abril de 2011
Bravery + Idiocy = GOD FUCKING DAMN IT, IT HURTS!
Yes, this is gonna be ANOTHER post about how badly I got beaten up in Muay Thai. Don't blame me, I just started a month ago and I just fought a regional champion today. Fuck, I won 3 out of 9 rounds. Don't look at me that way bucko, let's see you doing better. That's what I thought. In any case, the construct of flesh once known as my left cheek is swollen, so is my right eye and my jaw hurts like hell. Let me explain why in a very detailed flashback
( Suggested soundtrack for reading this : Eye of the Tiger by Survivor )
"Go!"
The alarm bell rang and the next thing I knew, I was pit against the regional champion. Looking at this guy fully clothed you'd thing he's more of the dancer type than a fighter. Once he takes off the shirt and reveals he's ripped as fuck, you take that back and start peeing a little. Gladly not my case since my last 3 spars had allowed me to have an excuse to go to the bathroom to splash my face and take a leak. Because boy, does that make you wanna go. In any case, I was already on the arena so all I had left to choose was either :
a) Beg for mercy.
b) Pretend to faint.
c) Take it like a boss.
d) Pretend to be an Anime protagonist and hope to God I had a 'Berserk' mode in case I was about to die.
Needless to say, I choose 'c' and 'd'. Although 'b' didn't sound that bad since I've taken acting classes but whatever. I raised my fist and we shared a brofist. A dojo custom, makes you feel all the more informal and relaxed about getting your ass handed to ya. And to add insult to injury, this guy has a kickass motorcycle and would do a better Wesker lookalike than me. Fuck. So with this chain of thoughts in my head, the next thing I noticed was a kick. Aiming for my face. Fast. With the reflexes of an anime enthusiast, I managed to block the hit with my arm, thus absorbing the shock. Which sort of dislocated my shoulder. Two seconds in, and I was already losing limbs. Without much time to react, I ducked and evaded a second kick, this time a roundhouse. A fucking roundhouse. I was sure now that this guy wanted to kill me or maybe just see what my blood looked like.
I should mention at this point, my specialization in ANY sort of fight is dodging. Yes, it makes me look like a pussy. No, it's not gay at all since I'll probably outlive you when the ninjas rise again. And no, I can't do the Matrix bullet time dodge. Yet.
Appearently acknowledging that I required special service, he started throwing middle roundhouses aimed for my ribs. Only one of those connected, making me lose air for at least 4 seconds. Next thing, I took advantage of the moment he spin so I ducked and delivered a Shoryuken to the jaw.
Fucking blocked.
With his foot.
This was the moment I realized I really DID need anime powers in order to survive this. With the force of a thousand douchebags, I pushed my blocked hit further in order to de-estabilize him and then, my face hit the floor. I had been punched fully on one side of the face and could no longer feel it. I knew something was bleeding since I felt the coppery taste on my mouth. Not to mention my teeth hurt. I was starting to lose my cool. I stood up and faked a right kick, he fell for it and blocked so I kicked his opposite thigh, right in the nerves. It worked, making his stance a litte shaky, so I proceeded to unleash the fury of a 7 hit combo consisting of jab, swing, swing, charged punch, forward kick and jab. While I succeeded in connecting the blows, the guy merely absorbed each and every hit like I was throwing fucking Nerf darts at him. I charged another punch and aimed for the chest. Which proved to be a big mistake.
I got hit by a direct jab to the nose.
I stepped back a bit teary. Nobody fucks with the nose. I'm lucky I didn't get my dad's nose so nobody, but NOOOOOOOOOOBODY fuck with the NOSE. I inhaled deeply and decided to do another approach. When he started throwing punches at me, I cloistered up, absorbing each hit with my dislocated elbow. Maybe just maybe...
it worked.
At last, years of watching cartoons paid off. He delivered a blow that hit my elbow, placing it on its right place again. I confess I copied that maneuver from a series but fuck you, it worked. It was then when I ripped off Akuma from Street Fighters.
"SHUNGOKUSATSU!" ( Yes, I actually yelled that out loud in the middle of the fight. Yes, it was ridiculous. No, I don't regret it. )
For anyone who has played Street Fighters, you know what ensues. I started delivering punches, kicks, changing positions and repeating and connecting different combos without stopping. My arms and legs hurt like hell since doing this in a rapid motion is key for the move to work, and it is NOT good to force your body that way. But hell, I was already past the 'Wanna piece of me?' threshold. After what I can only remember as a blurry succession of moves, I couldn't bear the pain any more and stopped. Seems I actually hit him hard this time because I could see him smiling under his guard. With several reddish spots all over his arms, legs and chest.
"What, no hitting the face JD?"
"I don't hit the face dude. Not my style."
"JD, this is a sport. You could've dealt more damage if you hit me in the face."
"I won't hit you in the face, dammit. It hurts."
"Exactly. I did it to you, now do it to me."
"Dude, let me fight in my own style."
"You're dead."
He was right. I realized then that I did not possess enough brute force to produce hit trauma on him. I was hoping to hit his limbs and chest badly enough to cripple his moveset, but never the face. Not the face. I used to get hit the face by other kids when I was small. So never, ever the face.
Mind you, my kicks are powerful and this guy knew it. But appearently, I made a fatal mistake by informing him I would not attack the face. He changed his whole defence stance to body-protection type and I was prettymuch screwed. Not only did I have to break through his defence to deal a ( now weakened ) blow, but I also had to deal with a martial pacifist's worst nightmare :
Headbutts.
Funny thing about headbutts is that both parts get hurt, but only the target gets a fucked up stability. His first headbutt hit me full in the forehead, making me step back yet again. Only to notice something that seriously made me both enraged and terrified.
My father had arrived early and was watching the whole thing.
Now, I'm not the nervous 'Gotta live to daddy's expectations' type. But hell, one thing is to fight a dude who can reduce you to a bloody pulp, but it is another thing entirely to do it in front of you DAD. There's an unspoken rule amongst the brotherhood of men that states you do NOT get beat up in front of your dad. Ever. I think that's when my berserker kicked on.
Pretending to not have seen him, I delivered an uppercut to his jaw, only to receive and exact replica of my move from him. We both got hit, but only I was lifted a few centimeters form the floor. My eyes were teary again because fuck, that shit hurts. And now I could only see with my right eye. I didn't want to look at my father. I didn't want to look and see if he was indiferent, horrified, dissapointed or cheering. I just didn't want to look away because this guy would destroy me the moment one of my feelings leaked out.
Then I got a charged punch in the stomach, making me gasp for air and hit the wall behind me. The man didn't stop, delivering punches to my chest, stomach and face, and I tried to block most of them. I didn't want to lose in front of my father. I have my pride. I didn't want to lose in something I had chose to do. But why did I chose to do it in the first place? What was worth fighting for? Dad? Physique? Popularity? Her?
My dodging instinct kicked in and made me roll to the side, jumping up and delivering a punch backed up with the force of my whole body to his ribs.
It hit.
"The fuck?"
" I'm sorry, didn't mean to hurt you badly."
"Not that, moron, you're smiling. You fucking like pain, weirdo."
He was right in one thing : I was suddenly smiling for some reason, even though my lower lip was bleeding. The thought of her? It was the most likely option. I felt sort of refreshed even though my body felt like spontaneously combusting. Not the thought of 'being' with her. Just her. As she was. Smiling back. It made me smile subconciously.
And then I got a punch to the face, making me fly towards the wall again. Reality was calling me back.
I realized right there that I wasn't going to lose. The guy had won 6 sets, but there were 3 left. I wasn't gonna 'defeat' him. It wasn't going to end that way. But I wasn't gonna lose. Not now. He delivered a rounhouse kick to my ribs, I blocked it with my leg, he coutered with a swing punch, covered my face with my elbow and shoulder. I dashed to the side, breaking the cornered situation I had gotten in, took advantage of him giving me his back and delivered what I call a Right Hand Break. It's exactly what the name implies : I hit him with a right punch, so hard that it can potentially break my hand.
Yes, I name my attacks. No, I'm not kidding. Ask around.
In any case, my hand didn't break, but my wrist was done for. I'd have to do with left punches from now on. The lack of water and oxygen were already taxing me, and the strain from the shungokusatsu was already palpitating throughout my entire body. I was physically unable to move anymore unless I wanted cramps everywhere, but I didn't want to stop. My decrease in mobility took away my dodging bonus, hence rendering me open to every blow. I absorbed them all, but always returning in kind. I could almost feel my vision going blurry from sweat and fatigue.
The bell rang.
I fell on my butt, exhausted. My T-shirt was sticking to my body, drenched in sweat. It looked like I had fell on a pool. The guy aimed his fist toward me. We brofisted again, in respect.
"You kicked me in the balls once dude. Not cool. You need to control your kicks better."
"Holy shit I'm sorry ma-"
"Don't worry. Just relax, don't push yourself. You won 3 rounds out of 9. Against me. That's enough to get you laid."
I was physically unable to chuckle at this point but I smiled a bit. It was then when I noticed my dad was gone. Of course he had. He couldn't bear it. I picked up my stuff and took my white wristbands off. There were red spots in it. My lip was still bleeding when I rubbed them against it. I headed to the bathroom. Took a shirt out of bag and put it on after drying myself off. I'd shower at home better. The teacher walked in.
"Not once, JD. That's good."
"Ah?"
"Not once did you hit his face. Maybe you don't realize it, but you stopped your fist inches from his face 3 times dude. You're an idiot, but you at least stand by your beliefs. Which are stupid to me, mind you. You'll learn eventually. Get some ice on your face."
Considering the kindest thing this guy had spurted up to this point had been something among the lines of "MOVE YOUR ASS, FUCKING HOMOSEXUAL! KICK WITH FORCE, MOVING YOUR ASS LIKE THE BITCH YOU ARE!", it was clear that somehow, he had softened up a bit after my display of idiocy and reluctance to bail out.
Because it was supposed to be only 6 rounds.
I put a shirt on, walked outside carrying my stuff and saw my dad's car outside. I opened the side door and sat inside.
"Sorry for dissapointing you."
He started the engine and remained silent for the entire trip home.
When we arrived, he patted me on the shoulder softly.
"When I was your age, I got beat up by a bunch of seniors in military school. For two days, the bastards bothered me. Wanna know what I did?" he didn't wait for an answer " Next day I challenged them to a fight in breaktime, in front of everyone. Obviously, they weren't gonna say 'no', so they ganged up against me. That that I broke my nose, son. I also lost that fight."
"Your point being, winning is not everything?"
"My point being, your uncle Carlos was one of those three guys. Your uncle Carlos who is your godfather and wants you to spend more time with his sons. Your uncle Carlos my best friend. Because the fight lasted nearly half an hour and I didn't once kick them in the balls or the face even though they did."
"...And they became your friends because you showed restraint."
"They became my friends because I respected them even in a fight. We were best friend with the three of them up until now. I have lunch with your uncle Carlos next week."
He hugged me, and wasn't aware of how much it hurt when he did, but I didn't protest.
"My point being, I am proud. Your brother won a lot of fights, but hr never knew limits. You set limits even when you were getting beaten up. I love you, son."
"...You're Mr. Miyagi, aren't you."
"SEE? YOU CAN'T TAKE ANYTHING SEROUSLY, DAMMIT!"
I finish writing this post with a swollen cheek, a hurt jaw, a bleeding lip, a hurting nose probably a dislocated wrist. And I feel damn good.
Thanks Q, for not giving up on me. And for being a precious part of a living memory I'll reach someday.
( Suggested soundtrack for reading this : Eye of the Tiger by Survivor )
"Go!"
The alarm bell rang and the next thing I knew, I was pit against the regional champion. Looking at this guy fully clothed you'd thing he's more of the dancer type than a fighter. Once he takes off the shirt and reveals he's ripped as fuck, you take that back and start peeing a little. Gladly not my case since my last 3 spars had allowed me to have an excuse to go to the bathroom to splash my face and take a leak. Because boy, does that make you wanna go. In any case, I was already on the arena so all I had left to choose was either :
a) Beg for mercy.
b) Pretend to faint.
c) Take it like a boss.
d) Pretend to be an Anime protagonist and hope to God I had a 'Berserk' mode in case I was about to die.
Needless to say, I choose 'c' and 'd'. Although 'b' didn't sound that bad since I've taken acting classes but whatever. I raised my fist and we shared a brofist. A dojo custom, makes you feel all the more informal and relaxed about getting your ass handed to ya. And to add insult to injury, this guy has a kickass motorcycle and would do a better Wesker lookalike than me. Fuck. So with this chain of thoughts in my head, the next thing I noticed was a kick. Aiming for my face. Fast. With the reflexes of an anime enthusiast, I managed to block the hit with my arm, thus absorbing the shock. Which sort of dislocated my shoulder. Two seconds in, and I was already losing limbs. Without much time to react, I ducked and evaded a second kick, this time a roundhouse. A fucking roundhouse. I was sure now that this guy wanted to kill me or maybe just see what my blood looked like.
I should mention at this point, my specialization in ANY sort of fight is dodging. Yes, it makes me look like a pussy. No, it's not gay at all since I'll probably outlive you when the ninjas rise again. And no, I can't do the Matrix bullet time dodge. Yet.
Appearently acknowledging that I required special service, he started throwing middle roundhouses aimed for my ribs. Only one of those connected, making me lose air for at least 4 seconds. Next thing, I took advantage of the moment he spin so I ducked and delivered a Shoryuken to the jaw.
Fucking blocked.
With his foot.
This was the moment I realized I really DID need anime powers in order to survive this. With the force of a thousand douchebags, I pushed my blocked hit further in order to de-estabilize him and then, my face hit the floor. I had been punched fully on one side of the face and could no longer feel it. I knew something was bleeding since I felt the coppery taste on my mouth. Not to mention my teeth hurt. I was starting to lose my cool. I stood up and faked a right kick, he fell for it and blocked so I kicked his opposite thigh, right in the nerves. It worked, making his stance a litte shaky, so I proceeded to unleash the fury of a 7 hit combo consisting of jab, swing, swing, charged punch, forward kick and jab. While I succeeded in connecting the blows, the guy merely absorbed each and every hit like I was throwing fucking Nerf darts at him. I charged another punch and aimed for the chest. Which proved to be a big mistake.
I got hit by a direct jab to the nose.
I stepped back a bit teary. Nobody fucks with the nose. I'm lucky I didn't get my dad's nose so nobody, but NOOOOOOOOOOBODY fuck with the NOSE. I inhaled deeply and decided to do another approach. When he started throwing punches at me, I cloistered up, absorbing each hit with my dislocated elbow. Maybe just maybe...
it worked.
At last, years of watching cartoons paid off. He delivered a blow that hit my elbow, placing it on its right place again. I confess I copied that maneuver from a series but fuck you, it worked. It was then when I ripped off Akuma from Street Fighters.
"SHUNGOKUSATSU!" ( Yes, I actually yelled that out loud in the middle of the fight. Yes, it was ridiculous. No, I don't regret it. )
For anyone who has played Street Fighters, you know what ensues. I started delivering punches, kicks, changing positions and repeating and connecting different combos without stopping. My arms and legs hurt like hell since doing this in a rapid motion is key for the move to work, and it is NOT good to force your body that way. But hell, I was already past the 'Wanna piece of me?' threshold. After what I can only remember as a blurry succession of moves, I couldn't bear the pain any more and stopped. Seems I actually hit him hard this time because I could see him smiling under his guard. With several reddish spots all over his arms, legs and chest.
"What, no hitting the face JD?"
"I don't hit the face dude. Not my style."
"JD, this is a sport. You could've dealt more damage if you hit me in the face."
"I won't hit you in the face, dammit. It hurts."
"Exactly. I did it to you, now do it to me."
"Dude, let me fight in my own style."
"You're dead."
He was right. I realized then that I did not possess enough brute force to produce hit trauma on him. I was hoping to hit his limbs and chest badly enough to cripple his moveset, but never the face. Not the face. I used to get hit the face by other kids when I was small. So never, ever the face.
Mind you, my kicks are powerful and this guy knew it. But appearently, I made a fatal mistake by informing him I would not attack the face. He changed his whole defence stance to body-protection type and I was prettymuch screwed. Not only did I have to break through his defence to deal a ( now weakened ) blow, but I also had to deal with a martial pacifist's worst nightmare :
Headbutts.
Funny thing about headbutts is that both parts get hurt, but only the target gets a fucked up stability. His first headbutt hit me full in the forehead, making me step back yet again. Only to notice something that seriously made me both enraged and terrified.
My father had arrived early and was watching the whole thing.
Now, I'm not the nervous 'Gotta live to daddy's expectations' type. But hell, one thing is to fight a dude who can reduce you to a bloody pulp, but it is another thing entirely to do it in front of you DAD. There's an unspoken rule amongst the brotherhood of men that states you do NOT get beat up in front of your dad. Ever. I think that's when my berserker kicked on.
Pretending to not have seen him, I delivered an uppercut to his jaw, only to receive and exact replica of my move from him. We both got hit, but only I was lifted a few centimeters form the floor. My eyes were teary again because fuck, that shit hurts. And now I could only see with my right eye. I didn't want to look at my father. I didn't want to look and see if he was indiferent, horrified, dissapointed or cheering. I just didn't want to look away because this guy would destroy me the moment one of my feelings leaked out.
Then I got a charged punch in the stomach, making me gasp for air and hit the wall behind me. The man didn't stop, delivering punches to my chest, stomach and face, and I tried to block most of them. I didn't want to lose in front of my father. I have my pride. I didn't want to lose in something I had chose to do. But why did I chose to do it in the first place? What was worth fighting for? Dad? Physique? Popularity? Her?
My dodging instinct kicked in and made me roll to the side, jumping up and delivering a punch backed up with the force of my whole body to his ribs.
It hit.
"The fuck?"
" I'm sorry, didn't mean to hurt you badly."
"Not that, moron, you're smiling. You fucking like pain, weirdo."
He was right in one thing : I was suddenly smiling for some reason, even though my lower lip was bleeding. The thought of her? It was the most likely option. I felt sort of refreshed even though my body felt like spontaneously combusting. Not the thought of 'being' with her. Just her. As she was. Smiling back. It made me smile subconciously.
And then I got a punch to the face, making me fly towards the wall again. Reality was calling me back.
I realized right there that I wasn't going to lose. The guy had won 6 sets, but there were 3 left. I wasn't gonna 'defeat' him. It wasn't going to end that way. But I wasn't gonna lose. Not now. He delivered a rounhouse kick to my ribs, I blocked it with my leg, he coutered with a swing punch, covered my face with my elbow and shoulder. I dashed to the side, breaking the cornered situation I had gotten in, took advantage of him giving me his back and delivered what I call a Right Hand Break. It's exactly what the name implies : I hit him with a right punch, so hard that it can potentially break my hand.
Yes, I name my attacks. No, I'm not kidding. Ask around.
In any case, my hand didn't break, but my wrist was done for. I'd have to do with left punches from now on. The lack of water and oxygen were already taxing me, and the strain from the shungokusatsu was already palpitating throughout my entire body. I was physically unable to move anymore unless I wanted cramps everywhere, but I didn't want to stop. My decrease in mobility took away my dodging bonus, hence rendering me open to every blow. I absorbed them all, but always returning in kind. I could almost feel my vision going blurry from sweat and fatigue.
The bell rang.
I fell on my butt, exhausted. My T-shirt was sticking to my body, drenched in sweat. It looked like I had fell on a pool. The guy aimed his fist toward me. We brofisted again, in respect.
"You kicked me in the balls once dude. Not cool. You need to control your kicks better."
"Holy shit I'm sorry ma-"
"Don't worry. Just relax, don't push yourself. You won 3 rounds out of 9. Against me. That's enough to get you laid."
I was physically unable to chuckle at this point but I smiled a bit. It was then when I noticed my dad was gone. Of course he had. He couldn't bear it. I picked up my stuff and took my white wristbands off. There were red spots in it. My lip was still bleeding when I rubbed them against it. I headed to the bathroom. Took a shirt out of bag and put it on after drying myself off. I'd shower at home better. The teacher walked in.
"Not once, JD. That's good."
"Ah?"
"Not once did you hit his face. Maybe you don't realize it, but you stopped your fist inches from his face 3 times dude. You're an idiot, but you at least stand by your beliefs. Which are stupid to me, mind you. You'll learn eventually. Get some ice on your face."
Considering the kindest thing this guy had spurted up to this point had been something among the lines of "MOVE YOUR ASS, FUCKING HOMOSEXUAL! KICK WITH FORCE, MOVING YOUR ASS LIKE THE BITCH YOU ARE!", it was clear that somehow, he had softened up a bit after my display of idiocy and reluctance to bail out.
Because it was supposed to be only 6 rounds.
I put a shirt on, walked outside carrying my stuff and saw my dad's car outside. I opened the side door and sat inside.
"Sorry for dissapointing you."
He started the engine and remained silent for the entire trip home.
When we arrived, he patted me on the shoulder softly.
"When I was your age, I got beat up by a bunch of seniors in military school. For two days, the bastards bothered me. Wanna know what I did?" he didn't wait for an answer " Next day I challenged them to a fight in breaktime, in front of everyone. Obviously, they weren't gonna say 'no', so they ganged up against me. That that I broke my nose, son. I also lost that fight."
"Your point being, winning is not everything?"
"My point being, your uncle Carlos was one of those three guys. Your uncle Carlos who is your godfather and wants you to spend more time with his sons. Your uncle Carlos my best friend. Because the fight lasted nearly half an hour and I didn't once kick them in the balls or the face even though they did."
"...And they became your friends because you showed restraint."
"They became my friends because I respected them even in a fight. We were best friend with the three of them up until now. I have lunch with your uncle Carlos next week."
He hugged me, and wasn't aware of how much it hurt when he did, but I didn't protest.
"My point being, I am proud. Your brother won a lot of fights, but hr never knew limits. You set limits even when you were getting beaten up. I love you, son."
"...You're Mr. Miyagi, aren't you."
"SEE? YOU CAN'T TAKE ANYTHING SEROUSLY, DAMMIT!"
I finish writing this post with a swollen cheek, a hurt jaw, a bleeding lip, a hurting nose probably a dislocated wrist. And I feel damn good.
Thanks Q, for not giving up on me. And for being a precious part of a living memory I'll reach someday.
sábado, 26 de marzo de 2011
In a forgotten dirtroad
A couple of years ago, there was an earthquake in one of Peru's cities. Chincha. It was a major national tragedy. It happened while I was abroad. I watched on tv the shrieks of desperation from families trying to get their loved ones rescued, or at least have their bodies recovered. It was awful, yes, but as any other person exposed to the mass media, I thought to myself "This happens all the time. Around the globe, this happens and not every case gets a spotlight.". I told that to myself and I believed it. I was able to forget for a bit.
By the way, if you're expecting the funny parts of this entry you'll have to wait up. I have some serious words to give first. Now, exactly 18 hours ago I decided to embark into a missionary trip to Chincha city. Why? Because in every process of growing up and trying to cope with yourself and your mistakes, one must learn to see the world from another's eyes. It is the most simple and yet most difficult thing to do. In any case, I packed up my Barney the Dinosaur hand puppet, a minibible ( for the puppet ) and hit the road alongside my good friends Viewtiful Shaun, Renzo, PP, Percy and others. The 3 hour trip in the blazing sun of the coast was not a pain in the ass due to the sheer amount of planning we were focused on.
Oh did I mention we planned the show like, just 2 hours before doing it?
Yup. I just did.
In any case, I was to do a Christian Barney hand puppet read the bible for 120 kids. The Good Samaritan, namely. Now you might be wondering "What's the big deal?". Well, I'll start by saying that kids are not stupid. They know they get more props by acting stupid ( Hell, I used to do that ) and thus, they outsmart adults many many times.
Poor/Street kids, however, are on another league entirely.
Their cynism level rivals that of a fully grown adult, their skill in the arts of making you feel sorry and do shit for them is remarkably deadly. They also have the nasty tendency to make stuff dissapear whenever they :
a)Don't like you
b)Don't think you're funny enough
c)Like your shit
d)All of the above
Again, let me repeat. I was to perform a handpuppet Barney the Christian Dinosaur show for 120 of those kids.
120.
Needless to say, bricks were shat when I arrived there and saw the marabunta of little lovable rascals. I never get myself to feel annoyed with kids no matter how undeniably anooying they are. Maybe because I consider myself an overgrown kid. In any case, I smiled widely and greeted them as if they were my age, giving High-Fives to any kid that would not be busy trying to ransack me. Surprisingly enough, they seemed to like that and my backpack was safe for the entirety of the trip. Note to self : Kids will not bother you if you can earn their trust and respect. Mainly by not talking down to them. In any case, they were mostly covered in dirt and I suspect some of that wasn't exactly 'dirt' dirt. But to be honest I didn't care. Children are always a weakspot to me. Again, my inner child runs free in my psyche.
Hence, I only noticed that my hand was dirty when I was already behind the curtain and trying to get the hand puppet on. I decided I could care less, and wiped it on my Hurley shirt. Because I'd rather ruin a half-decent shirt than start having prejudices against little kids and their physical condition.
Alas, the show had started. I went into full-on Barney mode, trying to copy, emulate and reproduce all of the purple dinosaur's mannerisms...with my hand. And well, my voice helped. I knew that kids wouldn't buy some half assed 'Dude behind the curtain reads the bible' shit, so I dropped in some 4th wall breaking jokes, tv references, some fart jokes ( kids dig that ) and added a bit of my over-the-top personality to the hand puppet in order to make it look more alive.
It worked.
My pals helped me along with the play by enacting the scenes Barney narrated, and the kids liked it. I enjoyed myself even though I was practically boiling behind that curtain ( Again, Chincha is VERY HOT these days ) but it was worth every sweat drop. As a finale, Barney decided to go 'downstairs to go back to his car and drive to his home'. A little bit of 'getting fat these days' joking and voila. Show was over. It lasted at least 20 minutes of improvising. Again, we succeeded in this and with one of the toughest crowds to please. Not to mention the ages ranged from 6 to 13. And both you and I KNOW what that combination can do.
After the show, I was asked to give some sort of peppy speech to the kids. I decided to go Anime Shounen Hero at them and talked about how no matter the suck-level of situations, one can always get past it with willpower, faith and patience. Now, telling cyinical, impulsive and street savvy kids about patience, faith and willpower is not an easy task, mind you. So at first they looked at me with a clear 'Get back to the hand puppet shit' face.
Until I started talking about superheroes.
Boy, it was amazing to see just how easy it was for me to relate to them and their chain of thoughts. I discovered right there that I had been arrogant in my intention. I had gone there to try and teach the kids about Christianity. But these poor, dirty and nearly illiterate kids were teaching me so much about the world that I had ignored and forgotten for so long. I remembered what it was like to make a friend without looking at what he was wearing. I had forgotten how nice it was to play in a forgotten dirtroad without caring about the filth in your clothes. I let my 18-year old self share with these kids a passion for fun and games that I confess, I often repressed. I remember how it is not okay to forget to be a kid. I remembered how I am supposed to do random and childish things once in a while.
I remembered what it was like to be blissfully happy, without a care in the world.
Just lying on the dirty pavement, exhausted from playing. Exhausted and happy.
I remembered what is was like to love someone without even knowing that person entirely.
And a bunch of street kids taught me that in the four hours of the event.
It was both a well-deserved slap to my pride and a wise lesson to learn. These kids lived basically in huts. Flies would often invade the place. They didn't know what the internet was. They didn't know they were supposed to one day, make a choice about a carrier or job. They weren't AWARE of the fact that day by day, adults fuck up the world that is supposed to be their inheritance. And they're happier than I'll ever be. Their smiles are more radiant and true than mine in my best hour. I can never hope to smile like that.
But I also learned that nevertheless, I have to smile.
Always smile.
I love you, kids. Thanks for teaching me how much of an immature prick I can be.
I'm definitely coming back there. When I do, I'll enjoy time with those kids again. Without caring if I ruin another shirt, or if they just put up with me to get free gifts. I seriously don't care. I'm sure they don't. Whenever I am called to go there, I will. Because I already owe them a lot.
Because they brought my spirits up. And reminded me that some things are worth waiting for.
So this entry is dedicated to the kids in Chincha, and every kid that is able to see a world of fantasy and wonder amidst this hellhole we call 'tragedy'.
We'll need that kind of people someday. I'm sure we will.
Night peeps.
By the way, if you're expecting the funny parts of this entry you'll have to wait up. I have some serious words to give first. Now, exactly 18 hours ago I decided to embark into a missionary trip to Chincha city. Why? Because in every process of growing up and trying to cope with yourself and your mistakes, one must learn to see the world from another's eyes. It is the most simple and yet most difficult thing to do. In any case, I packed up my Barney the Dinosaur hand puppet, a minibible ( for the puppet ) and hit the road alongside my good friends Viewtiful Shaun, Renzo, PP, Percy and others. The 3 hour trip in the blazing sun of the coast was not a pain in the ass due to the sheer amount of planning we were focused on.
Oh did I mention we planned the show like, just 2 hours before doing it?
Yup. I just did.
In any case, I was to do a Christian Barney hand puppet read the bible for 120 kids. The Good Samaritan, namely. Now you might be wondering "What's the big deal?". Well, I'll start by saying that kids are not stupid. They know they get more props by acting stupid ( Hell, I used to do that ) and thus, they outsmart adults many many times.
Poor/Street kids, however, are on another league entirely.
Their cynism level rivals that of a fully grown adult, their skill in the arts of making you feel sorry and do shit for them is remarkably deadly. They also have the nasty tendency to make stuff dissapear whenever they :
a)Don't like you
b)Don't think you're funny enough
c)Like your shit
d)All of the above
Again, let me repeat. I was to perform a handpuppet Barney the Christian Dinosaur show for 120 of those kids.
120.
Needless to say, bricks were shat when I arrived there and saw the marabunta of little lovable rascals. I never get myself to feel annoyed with kids no matter how undeniably anooying they are. Maybe because I consider myself an overgrown kid. In any case, I smiled widely and greeted them as if they were my age, giving High-Fives to any kid that would not be busy trying to ransack me. Surprisingly enough, they seemed to like that and my backpack was safe for the entirety of the trip. Note to self : Kids will not bother you if you can earn their trust and respect. Mainly by not talking down to them. In any case, they were mostly covered in dirt and I suspect some of that wasn't exactly 'dirt' dirt. But to be honest I didn't care. Children are always a weakspot to me. Again, my inner child runs free in my psyche.
Hence, I only noticed that my hand was dirty when I was already behind the curtain and trying to get the hand puppet on. I decided I could care less, and wiped it on my Hurley shirt. Because I'd rather ruin a half-decent shirt than start having prejudices against little kids and their physical condition.
Alas, the show had started. I went into full-on Barney mode, trying to copy, emulate and reproduce all of the purple dinosaur's mannerisms...with my hand. And well, my voice helped. I knew that kids wouldn't buy some half assed 'Dude behind the curtain reads the bible' shit, so I dropped in some 4th wall breaking jokes, tv references, some fart jokes ( kids dig that ) and added a bit of my over-the-top personality to the hand puppet in order to make it look more alive.
It worked.
My pals helped me along with the play by enacting the scenes Barney narrated, and the kids liked it. I enjoyed myself even though I was practically boiling behind that curtain ( Again, Chincha is VERY HOT these days ) but it was worth every sweat drop. As a finale, Barney decided to go 'downstairs to go back to his car and drive to his home'. A little bit of 'getting fat these days' joking and voila. Show was over. It lasted at least 20 minutes of improvising. Again, we succeeded in this and with one of the toughest crowds to please. Not to mention the ages ranged from 6 to 13. And both you and I KNOW what that combination can do.
After the show, I was asked to give some sort of peppy speech to the kids. I decided to go Anime Shounen Hero at them and talked about how no matter the suck-level of situations, one can always get past it with willpower, faith and patience. Now, telling cyinical, impulsive and street savvy kids about patience, faith and willpower is not an easy task, mind you. So at first they looked at me with a clear 'Get back to the hand puppet shit' face.
Until I started talking about superheroes.
Boy, it was amazing to see just how easy it was for me to relate to them and their chain of thoughts. I discovered right there that I had been arrogant in my intention. I had gone there to try and teach the kids about Christianity. But these poor, dirty and nearly illiterate kids were teaching me so much about the world that I had ignored and forgotten for so long. I remembered what it was like to make a friend without looking at what he was wearing. I had forgotten how nice it was to play in a forgotten dirtroad without caring about the filth in your clothes. I let my 18-year old self share with these kids a passion for fun and games that I confess, I often repressed. I remember how it is not okay to forget to be a kid. I remembered how I am supposed to do random and childish things once in a while.
I remembered what it was like to be blissfully happy, without a care in the world.
Just lying on the dirty pavement, exhausted from playing. Exhausted and happy.
I remembered what is was like to love someone without even knowing that person entirely.
And a bunch of street kids taught me that in the four hours of the event.
It was both a well-deserved slap to my pride and a wise lesson to learn. These kids lived basically in huts. Flies would often invade the place. They didn't know what the internet was. They didn't know they were supposed to one day, make a choice about a carrier or job. They weren't AWARE of the fact that day by day, adults fuck up the world that is supposed to be their inheritance. And they're happier than I'll ever be. Their smiles are more radiant and true than mine in my best hour. I can never hope to smile like that.
But I also learned that nevertheless, I have to smile.
Always smile.
I love you, kids. Thanks for teaching me how much of an immature prick I can be.
I'm definitely coming back there. When I do, I'll enjoy time with those kids again. Without caring if I ruin another shirt, or if they just put up with me to get free gifts. I seriously don't care. I'm sure they don't. Whenever I am called to go there, I will. Because I already owe them a lot.
Because they brought my spirits up. And reminded me that some things are worth waiting for.
So this entry is dedicated to the kids in Chincha, and every kid that is able to see a world of fantasy and wonder amidst this hellhole we call 'tragedy'.
We'll need that kind of people someday. I'm sure we will.
Night peeps.
martes, 22 de marzo de 2011
Rhapsody of the Leg
Muay Thai. A fighting technique inherited from Thailand, brought to the western world long ago by inmigrants. And also the cause of my morning pains for the last month. While Tae Kwon Do, Judo, Karate, Kung Fu and other oriental disciplines put an emphasis to aesthetics and such, Muay Thai cannalizes it into the ability to turn your oponent ( or yourself ) into a bloody pulp. It's also good for showing your guns to the ladies. Ever since Q-Day, I've been looking for a way to vent my angst into actual positive energy and motivation. I talked to my brother ( who is the ultimate gymfag ) and he told me about this little fighting style in the poetic yet direct way of :
"It's FUCKING bloody."
Ah brother, how I miss you. Anyways, first day there, my angst was gone. It was replaced by several concussions, a kick to the jab and a broken leg. Fortunately, my habit of NEVER wearing tight pants has allowed me to conceal the prothesis.
I mean guys, there are better ways of showing your -laughable- package. Consider speedos.
In any case, it took me an entire week of waking up in complete exhaustion to realize I haven't felt such a rush in a long long time. The moment when your hearbeat increases so much you can hear blood pumping in your ears, trying to decide whether to drink water OR breath -because the urgence your body feels is painstaking-, THAT is the moment I live for. Sharing this with my friends has left such wonderful comments as :
Reld : O_o you crazy
Dad : THAT'S MY BOY! You know, when I was your age I( insert ancient history text here )
Mom : WHAT IS WRONG WITH THOSE PEOPLE! MY POOR BOY, LOOK WHAT THEY'VE DONE TO YOU!
Wachín : Duuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuude...
Renzo : The fuck? Are you trying to fight your way to her or what? Because ninja lessons don't require you to die on the 5th session and are much cheaper.
Diego : CHALLENGE. ACCEPTED ( punched me in the gut )
Shaun : Way to go man! See ya on the weekend! ( no comment on the broken leg, goes back to Amanda )
PP : ESEEEEEEEEEEE...
Oh guys, what would I do without you.
Maybe one of the things that gets me most excited these days is my newfound innate ability with Corel Draw. I mean, it is by no means fun to use but BOY do I get a thrill while creating images. When I get my laptop ( WEBCAM ENABLED WEE )first thing I'm doing is draw a ***GOOGLE CORPORATION AND THE FCC HAS CENSORED THIS CONTENT***
Aw hell yeah.
Meanwhile on college, I got dryhumped by one of my friends. It has derived into a homoerotic battle of epic proportions in which if one of us leaves an opening to his behind, dryhump ensues.
Yes, healthy and educative fun for all the family. Oh the joy.
My black best friend, Api, has been appearing on my head lately. Mainly due to the fact I was used to see him every single day at school and now, a year after, I feel sort of nostalgic. Sure, I saw Reld too but then again, we have a love/hate friendship. Now that I think about it, we met by stabbing each other with pens on breaktime.
Ahhh friendship. What a wonderful thing.
DAMN this apple is juicy.
"It's FUCKING bloody."
Ah brother, how I miss you. Anyways, first day there, my angst was gone. It was replaced by several concussions, a kick to the jab and a broken leg. Fortunately, my habit of NEVER wearing tight pants has allowed me to conceal the prothesis.
I mean guys, there are better ways of showing your -laughable- package. Consider speedos.
In any case, it took me an entire week of waking up in complete exhaustion to realize I haven't felt such a rush in a long long time. The moment when your hearbeat increases so much you can hear blood pumping in your ears, trying to decide whether to drink water OR breath -because the urgence your body feels is painstaking-, THAT is the moment I live for. Sharing this with my friends has left such wonderful comments as :
Reld : O_o you crazy
Dad : THAT'S MY BOY! You know, when I was your age I( insert ancient history text here )
Mom : WHAT IS WRONG WITH THOSE PEOPLE! MY POOR BOY, LOOK WHAT THEY'VE DONE TO YOU!
Wachín : Duuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuude...
Renzo : The fuck? Are you trying to fight your way to her or what? Because ninja lessons don't require you to die on the 5th session and are much cheaper.
Diego : CHALLENGE. ACCEPTED ( punched me in the gut )
Shaun : Way to go man! See ya on the weekend! ( no comment on the broken leg, goes back to Amanda )
PP : ESEEEEEEEEEEE...
Oh guys, what would I do without you.
Maybe one of the things that gets me most excited these days is my newfound innate ability with Corel Draw. I mean, it is by no means fun to use but BOY do I get a thrill while creating images. When I get my laptop ( WEBCAM ENABLED WEE )first thing I'm doing is draw a ***GOOGLE CORPORATION AND THE FCC HAS CENSORED THIS CONTENT***
Aw hell yeah.
Meanwhile on college, I got dryhumped by one of my friends. It has derived into a homoerotic battle of epic proportions in which if one of us leaves an opening to his behind, dryhump ensues.
Yes, healthy and educative fun for all the family. Oh the joy.
My black best friend, Api, has been appearing on my head lately. Mainly due to the fact I was used to see him every single day at school and now, a year after, I feel sort of nostalgic. Sure, I saw Reld too but then again, we have a love/hate friendship. Now that I think about it, we met by stabbing each other with pens on breaktime.
Ahhh friendship. What a wonderful thing.
DAMN this apple is juicy.
lunes, 7 de marzo de 2011
Never gonna give you up
And I say 'never gonna let you down'. It's me. Again. Writing shit that nobody wants to read but free time and such has allowed the internet to create such wonder. The internet can create wonders. It connects so many people, creates bonds from afar. Like WoW nerds who go raiding together and then try to figure out what a pair of real boobs look like. Truly charming. But this one blog entry has an owner. An owner who isn't as avaiable as always, but I hope to God that this will somehow be found. Like a note in a bottle.
Before you go ahead and block this off too, take a minute to read a bit of internet sincerity guys, will you?
Age. It defines so many things and yet so little. I am a person full of regrets and embarrassments, and yet I find myself to be at least a decent person. I think I've made mistakes. And I'm sorry for them. Some of them I'm just sorry, some of them I wish with all my might I had never even got to commit them. Sometimes, the bonds and limits vanish like there is nothing that separates two minds and shit happens. Yes. I know I've made a horrible mistake. You have every right to be upset. I had no right to do what I did, and it was probably something horrendous to do without context. But I meant every single nice word. Which is hard to do when you can't see my face. Even though you'll probably hate me. Hate me then. I can accept that. But blame me. Only on me. I value that person so much, it's insane to think such a thing would grow on the internet. I'm not a loon. I'm not crazy. I'm perfectly god damn sane college student with perfectly above the average grades and I knew what I was getting into.
If this is the new way things are, so be it. But know that it will change nothing at all. Except maybe severing a bond that would've grown into something you guys would've liked. Who knows. I'm just ranting again.
The point is, it will not go away. I'm patient, I don't hold grudges. If anyone is to blame it is me and I apologise. Don't punish a person who didn't commit anything evil or despicable. I still think you guys are great people and if you think I can fake all of this stuff just to stalk someone, you're giving me way too much credit and - with due respect - you don't know me. At all. Which is a shame, since I looked forward to meet you.
I'll still be here, if anything comes up. If things can be talked through, I'll be glad to do it. I'm sorry for the trouble. So deeply sorry. I'm not gonna lie, it hurts. It hurst me. I'm a human being and I'm hurt by this. But if anything, I just wish my pain is greater than that person's. If this wasn't meant to be, I hope she didn't even feel the same way I felt because that way she's gonna get over it faster. Just that.I still hope this doesn't end. But this is the best I can do right now. That, and doing my best to not break down. Maybe you guys don't get it, but I wish the best for her. A person who she knew on the internet. And if you guys think that not talking to me ever again is the best for her, then I'm destroyed. But there's nothing on my power that I can do right now. And you will probably block this site too. If you already haven't.
This isn't just a message for her, it's for you too. Her family. The people she has told me several times she loves. The fun, wise-cracking dad, the loving, caring mother, the chill, relaxed brother. Wonderful people I'll never forget because for better or worse, this will be engraved in my memory not as a grudge or sadness, but as a reminder. A reminded that once upon a time, two people found each other a were happy. For a small time. From afar. Truly and honestly.
It's what loneliness can do.
Best wishes.
Avocado.
P.S : That swordfight is still on, Mr.Superkamikazecacatuar. I'm a man of my word. I keep my promises. I always do. To you, or your daughter.
Before you go ahead and block this off too, take a minute to read a bit of internet sincerity guys, will you?
Age. It defines so many things and yet so little. I am a person full of regrets and embarrassments, and yet I find myself to be at least a decent person. I think I've made mistakes. And I'm sorry for them. Some of them I'm just sorry, some of them I wish with all my might I had never even got to commit them. Sometimes, the bonds and limits vanish like there is nothing that separates two minds and shit happens. Yes. I know I've made a horrible mistake. You have every right to be upset. I had no right to do what I did, and it was probably something horrendous to do without context. But I meant every single nice word. Which is hard to do when you can't see my face. Even though you'll probably hate me. Hate me then. I can accept that. But blame me. Only on me. I value that person so much, it's insane to think such a thing would grow on the internet. I'm not a loon. I'm not crazy. I'm perfectly god damn sane college student with perfectly above the average grades and I knew what I was getting into.
If this is the new way things are, so be it. But know that it will change nothing at all. Except maybe severing a bond that would've grown into something you guys would've liked. Who knows. I'm just ranting again.
The point is, it will not go away. I'm patient, I don't hold grudges. If anyone is to blame it is me and I apologise. Don't punish a person who didn't commit anything evil or despicable. I still think you guys are great people and if you think I can fake all of this stuff just to stalk someone, you're giving me way too much credit and - with due respect - you don't know me. At all. Which is a shame, since I looked forward to meet you.
I'll still be here, if anything comes up. If things can be talked through, I'll be glad to do it. I'm sorry for the trouble. So deeply sorry. I'm not gonna lie, it hurts. It hurst me. I'm a human being and I'm hurt by this. But if anything, I just wish my pain is greater than that person's. If this wasn't meant to be, I hope she didn't even feel the same way I felt because that way she's gonna get over it faster. Just that.I still hope this doesn't end. But this is the best I can do right now. That, and doing my best to not break down. Maybe you guys don't get it, but I wish the best for her. A person who she knew on the internet. And if you guys think that not talking to me ever again is the best for her, then I'm destroyed. But there's nothing on my power that I can do right now. And you will probably block this site too. If you already haven't.
This isn't just a message for her, it's for you too. Her family. The people she has told me several times she loves. The fun, wise-cracking dad, the loving, caring mother, the chill, relaxed brother. Wonderful people I'll never forget because for better or worse, this will be engraved in my memory not as a grudge or sadness, but as a reminder. A reminded that once upon a time, two people found each other a were happy. For a small time. From afar. Truly and honestly.
It's what loneliness can do.
Best wishes.
Avocado.
P.S : That swordfight is still on, Mr.Superkamikazecacatuar. I'm a man of my word. I keep my promises. I always do. To you, or your daughter.
lunes, 14 de febrero de 2011
Single Awareness Day : Quit bitching. This is why nobody loves you.
And is also why the last time you got laid was that night with that girl with a deep voice who kept asking you to call her Larry and did things to you in the back of the Gas Station that you will never tell anyone about. And then probably score some coke. Hell if I know, I don't do drugs.
My body naturally reproduces the same effects.
In any case, today was a very special day. Which means that I was alive for its entirety again, such a miracle life is. Oh and Valentine's Day. I still don't get the whole 'buy shit, give to girl, act gay, ????, profit' jingle that is Valentine's Day. Maybe due to the fact that I've never spent one in the company of a love o-WHY DID YOU GO AWAY NADINE, WHY WHY WHY DID YOU LEAVE AND GOT PREGNANT WITH THAT JACKASS WHO LEFT YOU TO DIE ALONE IN GUATEMALA, WE COULD'VE BUILT A LIFE TOGHET-***Hi, this is JD's repressed inner adult. Appearently, he's having some sort of emotional breakdown yet again due to the unholy amount of repressed issues, most of them having to do with lack of restrain and his lost dog who he never found again. While the doctors take care, feel free to watch this funny video about Narwhals -> http://narwhals.se/ We'll be back shortly.***
And that's how I became the prince of Bel Air. Also, Hitler. I totally killed him. SO, while I try to figure out why am I in this straitjacket and inside a mental asylum, I'll keep ranting about Valentine's Day.
( For those of you smartypants who just went 'DURRR YOU CAN'T TYPE IF YOU'RE IN A STRAITJACKET' I have only one thing to say : A wizard did it. Wanna know what else he does? Your mom. )
An inspiring story is that one of this guy in the Bible, who in order to get to bang his hot girlfriend who happened to be the daughter of the king of whatever ( It's been YEARS since I've read the bible ok? ) had to kill 50 men and as proof of his deed, he had to bring their foreskins as proof. So basically, cut their dongs off. he guy then came back after a week with 100 foreskins of the kingdom's enemies to present to the king. Obviously, he got to tap the king's daughter that same night. So remember ladies, next time you want to test your man, just ask him "How many dicks would you cut for me?". If he acts surprised, he's not worth your time. If he responds 'How many do you want?' he's probably gay and into sodomy. If he suddenly grabs the nearest sharp object and runs after the first male he sees, you've got a romance for a lifetime. Also, if you believe that story about a guy cutting dongs off isn't in the bible, look it up. After all it's the book that starts with a talking snake getting humans expelled from the VIP zone, then God deciding to drown everyone, then getting his people to be blessed, and suddenly rescuing them from Nazis/Egyptians out of nowhere by using hacks and making fire rain, sea split, then having a son with an underage girl, making that son the ultimate real life hacker who then turns into a zombie and will return one day.
Totally legit. Looks trustworthy to me.
Then on the other hand, we have atheism. The belief that in the beggining there was nothing, and that nothing happened to nothing and then suddenly something exploded for no reason, creating everything and thus rearranging it randomly into self replicating cells which then turned into dinosaurs. Makes perfect sense.
In any case remember to treat religious beliefs like your penis : Don't show it off in public, don't brag about it, and don't shove it down your children's throat.
I learned that in order to start being likeable, and actually starting to be accessible to the opposite sex, you must start by first getting to like the slobby, pitiful mashup of wasted sperm that is yourself. By accomplishing that not only do you avoid toxic relationships ( I'm looking at you, Louis ) but you're also less likely to become a putrid waste of space that should be shot down out of mercy. Namely, a Twilight fan or a Justin Bieber enthusiast. Also, girls, if you really don't want guys staring at your ass because you're using short skin-tight shorts then maybe you should stop confusing 'Sexy' with 'Prostitute'. Sure, there are places to wear that top and that mini miniskirt with high heels but college is not one of them. To quote a dialog I had last Friday :
-"The fact that I dress like a slut doesn't mean I'm a slut!"
-"Yeah well, the fact that I act like a rapist doesn't mean I'm a rapist. Nice tits by the way."
Also, dear Alexis, if you're reading this let me explain to you why women can be sluts if they sleep with many men and why men can't be whores no matter how many women they fuck : If a key opens many locks, it's a master key. If a lock is opened by many keys, it's a shitty lock. Ergo, girls, at least play hard to get. You wouldn't believe how fast rumours spread about your flexibility. And don't even get me started on those 'private photos' your boyfriend took, because I just downloaded them from the internet 1 hour after you went home.
So, I have to go now as my computer warns me there's a robbery on the national bank, and thus I must dress up in my exosuit and fight crime as the scourge of criminals. Or just go back to reading funny shit at Cracked.com, I dunno. In any case, my final remarks upon the Valentine's Day issue is :
Copulate, not populate. Have fun.
My body naturally reproduces the same effects.
In any case, today was a very special day. Which means that I was alive for its entirety again, such a miracle life is. Oh and Valentine's Day. I still don't get the whole 'buy shit, give to girl, act gay, ????, profit' jingle that is Valentine's Day. Maybe due to the fact that I've never spent one in the company of a love o-WHY DID YOU GO AWAY NADINE, WHY WHY WHY DID YOU LEAVE AND GOT PREGNANT WITH THAT JACKASS WHO LEFT YOU TO DIE ALONE IN GUATEMALA, WE COULD'VE BUILT A LIFE TOGHET-***Hi, this is JD's repressed inner adult. Appearently, he's having some sort of emotional breakdown yet again due to the unholy amount of repressed issues, most of them having to do with lack of restrain and his lost dog who he never found again. While the doctors take care, feel free to watch this funny video about Narwhals -> http://narwhals.se/ We'll be back shortly.***
And that's how I became the prince of Bel Air. Also, Hitler. I totally killed him. SO, while I try to figure out why am I in this straitjacket and inside a mental asylum, I'll keep ranting about Valentine's Day.
( For those of you smartypants who just went 'DURRR YOU CAN'T TYPE IF YOU'RE IN A STRAITJACKET' I have only one thing to say : A wizard did it. Wanna know what else he does? Your mom. )
An inspiring story is that one of this guy in the Bible, who in order to get to bang his hot girlfriend who happened to be the daughter of the king of whatever ( It's been YEARS since I've read the bible ok? ) had to kill 50 men and as proof of his deed, he had to bring their foreskins as proof. So basically, cut their dongs off. he guy then came back after a week with 100 foreskins of the kingdom's enemies to present to the king. Obviously, he got to tap the king's daughter that same night. So remember ladies, next time you want to test your man, just ask him "How many dicks would you cut for me?". If he acts surprised, he's not worth your time. If he responds 'How many do you want?' he's probably gay and into sodomy. If he suddenly grabs the nearest sharp object and runs after the first male he sees, you've got a romance for a lifetime. Also, if you believe that story about a guy cutting dongs off isn't in the bible, look it up. After all it's the book that starts with a talking snake getting humans expelled from the VIP zone, then God deciding to drown everyone, then getting his people to be blessed, and suddenly rescuing them from Nazis/Egyptians out of nowhere by using hacks and making fire rain, sea split, then having a son with an underage girl, making that son the ultimate real life hacker who then turns into a zombie and will return one day.
Totally legit. Looks trustworthy to me.
Then on the other hand, we have atheism. The belief that in the beggining there was nothing, and that nothing happened to nothing and then suddenly something exploded for no reason, creating everything and thus rearranging it randomly into self replicating cells which then turned into dinosaurs. Makes perfect sense.
In any case remember to treat religious beliefs like your penis : Don't show it off in public, don't brag about it, and don't shove it down your children's throat.
I learned that in order to start being likeable, and actually starting to be accessible to the opposite sex, you must start by first getting to like the slobby, pitiful mashup of wasted sperm that is yourself. By accomplishing that not only do you avoid toxic relationships ( I'm looking at you, Louis ) but you're also less likely to become a putrid waste of space that should be shot down out of mercy. Namely, a Twilight fan or a Justin Bieber enthusiast. Also, girls, if you really don't want guys staring at your ass because you're using short skin-tight shorts then maybe you should stop confusing 'Sexy' with 'Prostitute'. Sure, there are places to wear that top and that mini miniskirt with high heels but college is not one of them. To quote a dialog I had last Friday :
-"The fact that I dress like a slut doesn't mean I'm a slut!"
-"Yeah well, the fact that I act like a rapist doesn't mean I'm a rapist. Nice tits by the way."
Also, dear Alexis, if you're reading this let me explain to you why women can be sluts if they sleep with many men and why men can't be whores no matter how many women they fuck : If a key opens many locks, it's a master key. If a lock is opened by many keys, it's a shitty lock. Ergo, girls, at least play hard to get. You wouldn't believe how fast rumours spread about your flexibility. And don't even get me started on those 'private photos' your boyfriend took, because I just downloaded them from the internet 1 hour after you went home.
So, I have to go now as my computer warns me there's a robbery on the national bank, and thus I must dress up in my exosuit and fight crime as the scourge of criminals. Or just go back to reading funny shit at Cracked.com, I dunno. In any case, my final remarks upon the Valentine's Day issue is :
Copulate, not populate. Have fun.
martes, 8 de febrero de 2011
Good News everyone! I invented a device that makes you read this in my voice!
Yup, I'll keep writing nonsensical blabber that nobody wants to read. It's been a lot of time since I last visited this site. I decided to came back after the following exchange :
Vader : Dude, are you emo?
Me : Wtflol
Vader : Your last entry is like...waaaaaaay emo and pretentious. Are you really that much of an asshole? Cuz it looks like you hate every human on the planet.
I came here, read my last entry and instantly remembered the night after the prom, where I got myself drunk with a single glass of beer and listened waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay too many heavy metal.
See kiddies? Internet+Drunk = OMGDRAMAQUEENBAWWWWWW
So yeah, I'm not gonna erase the previous entry because really. it's just funny to see how much of a depressed twat I can be. Plus, shits and giggles. The internet is not serious business. Honestly, after Piero linked me to that '2 girls 1 cup video' I lost faith in humanity's capability of not doing weird shit.
Thank you Japan, bringing the world unbelievable wierd porn since 1946. And tentancles. Why the FUCK did it have to be tentacles?
Anyway, lost track of the issue at hand. I was reading through all of my old entries and had a couple of thoughts about how to revamp and update this shitfest I call 'blog'. One of my ideas was to make a war-like format, but I decided not to do it due to literary causes and lack of resources. Namely, because there's no Nazis for me to kill while riding atop a motorcycle with an open leather jacket and an oiled chest, rock music on the background as the hot busty blonde looks at the sheer amount of awesome in admiration. So yeah, no war journal. Then was the idea of making this into a Slenderman ARG journal but then I realized that :
1) I'd need special effects.
2) This is Peru. Nobody knows who the fuck is Slenderman.
3) The few people who DO know who is Slenderman are probably Piero and other 4chan oldfags.
5)4chan is NOT a good place to know if you plan on having a life.
4) The sum of the last 3 reasons will be an obvious impediment to getting laid if a chick from college finds this.
Also, I do NOT plan to turn this into a diary journal. So if you want to read about my daily life, try actually using msn. Yes, it still exists. Yes, it is better than Facebook. Which brings me to my next point :
IF you plan to have any amount of privacy in your life, don't use Facebook.
Sure, people will brand you as an outtaded nolife but in the end I consider having my private life kept to myself and my close bros more important than gaining the approval of people who will probably etiquette you on that embarrassing picture of you without a shirt on, taking a dump on a pool while completely drunk, thus causing your mom, dad, brothers, sisters, friends and stalkers to know that you really can't manage your alcohol because you so thoughtless added them without thinking about the gaping hole of privacy you just unleashed. Yes, it has happened. No, it wasn't me in the picture.
I was the one who took the picture. Yes, I'm a heartless bastard when I want to. ( insert lightning and bats here ). And no, untagging yourself isn't going to stop it from becoming a meme. And there's ALWAYS tha nasty wasty friend who posts embarrassing shit you don't want anyone to see.
I'm looking at you, Fernando.
SO, to finish this rant, I'll just say that without much more prelude, this blog if officially revived. I can smell the hatemail pouring to my inbox. Give me your best shot.
( If you are wondering why am I writing this in english, then I'll hve you know that all my entries will be the same. Yes, I'm showing off my english skills. Sue me. )
The Game.
Vader : Dude, are you emo?
Me : Wtflol
Vader : Your last entry is like...waaaaaaay emo and pretentious. Are you really that much of an asshole? Cuz it looks like you hate every human on the planet.
I came here, read my last entry and instantly remembered the night after the prom, where I got myself drunk with a single glass of beer and listened waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay too many heavy metal.
See kiddies? Internet+Drunk = OMGDRAMAQUEENBAWWWWWW
So yeah, I'm not gonna erase the previous entry because really. it's just funny to see how much of a depressed twat I can be. Plus, shits and giggles. The internet is not serious business. Honestly, after Piero linked me to that '2 girls 1 cup video' I lost faith in humanity's capability of not doing weird shit.
Thank you Japan, bringing the world unbelievable wierd porn since 1946. And tentancles. Why the FUCK did it have to be tentacles?
Anyway, lost track of the issue at hand. I was reading through all of my old entries and had a couple of thoughts about how to revamp and update this shitfest I call 'blog'. One of my ideas was to make a war-like format, but I decided not to do it due to literary causes and lack of resources. Namely, because there's no Nazis for me to kill while riding atop a motorcycle with an open leather jacket and an oiled chest, rock music on the background as the hot busty blonde looks at the sheer amount of awesome in admiration. So yeah, no war journal. Then was the idea of making this into a Slenderman ARG journal but then I realized that :
1) I'd need special effects.
2) This is Peru. Nobody knows who the fuck is Slenderman.
3) The few people who DO know who is Slenderman are probably Piero and other 4chan oldfags.
5)4chan is NOT a good place to know if you plan on having a life.
4) The sum of the last 3 reasons will be an obvious impediment to getting laid if a chick from college finds this.
Also, I do NOT plan to turn this into a diary journal. So if you want to read about my daily life, try actually using msn. Yes, it still exists. Yes, it is better than Facebook. Which brings me to my next point :
IF you plan to have any amount of privacy in your life, don't use Facebook.
Sure, people will brand you as an outtaded nolife but in the end I consider having my private life kept to myself and my close bros more important than gaining the approval of people who will probably etiquette you on that embarrassing picture of you without a shirt on, taking a dump on a pool while completely drunk, thus causing your mom, dad, brothers, sisters, friends and stalkers to know that you really can't manage your alcohol because you so thoughtless added them without thinking about the gaping hole of privacy you just unleashed. Yes, it has happened. No, it wasn't me in the picture.
I was the one who took the picture. Yes, I'm a heartless bastard when I want to. ( insert lightning and bats here ). And no, untagging yourself isn't going to stop it from becoming a meme. And there's ALWAYS tha nasty wasty friend who posts embarrassing shit you don't want anyone to see.
I'm looking at you, Fernando.
SO, to finish this rant, I'll just say that without much more prelude, this blog if officially revived. I can smell the hatemail pouring to my inbox. Give me your best shot.
( If you are wondering why am I writing this in english, then I'll hve you know that all my entries will be the same. Yes, I'm showing off my english skills. Sue me. )
The Game.
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