Single Awareness Day : Quit bitching. This is why nobody loves you.

And is also why the last time you got laid was that night with that girl with a deep voice who kept asking you to call her Larry and did things to you in the back of the Gas Station that you will never tell anyone about. And then probably score some coke. Hell if I know, I don't do drugs.

My body naturally reproduces the same effects.

In any case, today was a very special day. Which means that I was alive for its entirety again, such a miracle life is. Oh and Valentine's Day. I still don't get the whole 'buy shit, give to girl, act gay, ????, profit' jingle that is Valentine's Day. Maybe due to the fact that I've never spent one in the company of a love o-WHY DID YOU GO AWAY NADINE, WHY WHY WHY DID YOU LEAVE AND GOT PREGNANT WITH THAT JACKASS WHO LEFT YOU TO DIE ALONE IN GUATEMALA, WE COULD'VE BUILT A LIFE TOGHET-***Hi, this is JD's repressed inner adult. Appearently, he's having some sort of emotional breakdown yet again due to the unholy amount of repressed issues, most of them having to do with lack of restrain and his lost dog who he never found again. While the doctors take care, feel free to watch this funny video about Narwhals -> http://narwhals.se/ We'll be back shortly.***

And that's how I became the prince of Bel Air. Also, Hitler. I totally killed him. SO, while I try to figure out why am I in this straitjacket and inside a mental asylum, I'll keep ranting about Valentine's Day.

( For those of you smartypants who just went 'DURRR YOU CAN'T TYPE IF YOU'RE IN A STRAITJACKET' I have only one thing to say : A wizard did it. Wanna know what else he does? Your mom. )

An inspiring story is that one of this guy in the Bible, who in order to get to bang his hot girlfriend who happened to be the daughter of the king of whatever ( It's been YEARS since I've read the bible ok? ) had to kill 50 men and as proof of his deed, he had to bring their foreskins as proof. So basically, cut their dongs off. he guy then came back after a week with 100 foreskins of the kingdom's enemies to present to the king. Obviously, he got to tap the king's daughter that same night. So remember ladies, next time you want to test your man, just ask him "How many dicks would you cut for me?". If he acts surprised, he's not worth your time. If he responds 'How many do you want?' he's probably gay and into sodomy. If he suddenly grabs the nearest sharp object and runs after the first male he sees, you've got a romance for a lifetime. Also, if you believe that story about a guy cutting dongs off isn't in the bible, look it up. After all it's the book that starts with a talking snake getting humans expelled from the VIP zone, then God deciding to drown everyone, then getting his people to be blessed, and suddenly rescuing them from Nazis/Egyptians out of nowhere by using hacks and making fire rain, sea split, then having a son with an underage girl, making that son the ultimate real life hacker who then turns into a zombie and will return one day.

Totally legit. Looks trustworthy to me.

Then on the other hand, we have atheism. The belief that in the beggining there was nothing, and that nothing happened to nothing and then suddenly something exploded for no reason, creating everything and thus rearranging it randomly into self replicating cells which then turned into dinosaurs. Makes perfect sense.

In any case remember to treat religious beliefs like your penis : Don't show it off in public, don't brag about it, and don't shove it down your children's throat.

I learned that in order to start being likeable, and actually starting to be accessible to the opposite sex, you must start by first getting to like the slobby, pitiful mashup of wasted sperm that is yourself. By accomplishing that not only do you avoid toxic relationships ( I'm looking at you, Louis ) but you're also less likely to become a putrid waste of space that should be shot down out of mercy. Namely, a Twilight fan or a Justin Bieber enthusiast. Also, girls, if you really don't want guys staring at your ass because you're using short skin-tight shorts then maybe you should stop confusing 'Sexy' with 'Prostitute'. Sure, there are places to wear that top and that mini miniskirt with high heels but college is not one of them. To quote a dialog I had last Friday :

-"The fact that I dress like a slut doesn't mean I'm a slut!"
-"Yeah well, the fact that I act like a rapist doesn't mean I'm a rapist. Nice tits by the way."

Also, dear Alexis, if you're reading this let me explain to you why women can be sluts if they sleep with many men and why men can't be whores no matter how many women they fuck : If a key opens many locks, it's a master key. If a lock is opened by many keys, it's a shitty lock. Ergo, girls, at least play hard to get. You wouldn't believe how fast rumours spread about your flexibility. And don't even get me started on those 'private photos' your boyfriend took, because I just downloaded them from the internet 1 hour after you went home.

So, I have to go now as my computer warns me there's a robbery on the national bank, and thus I must dress up in my exosuit and fight crime as the scourge of criminals. Or just go back to reading funny shit at Cracked.com, I dunno. In any case, my final remarks upon the Valentine's Day issue is :

Copulate, not populate. Have fun.

Good News everyone! I invented a device that makes you read this in my voice!

Yup, I'll keep writing nonsensical blabber that nobody wants to read. It's been a lot of time since I last visited this site. I decided to came back after the following exchange :

Vader : Dude, are you emo?
Me : Wtflol
Vader : Your last entry is like...waaaaaaay emo and pretentious. Are you really that much of an asshole? Cuz it looks like you hate every human on the planet.

I came here, read my last entry and instantly remembered the night after the prom, where I got myself drunk with a single glass of beer and listened waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay too many heavy metal.

See kiddies? Internet+Drunk = OMGDRAMAQUEENBAWWWWWW

So yeah, I'm not gonna erase the previous entry because really. it's just funny to see how much of a depressed twat I can be. Plus, shits and giggles. The internet is not serious business. Honestly, after Piero linked me to that '2 girls 1 cup video' I lost faith in humanity's capability of not doing weird shit.

Thank you Japan, bringing the world unbelievable wierd porn since 1946. And tentancles. Why the FUCK did it have to be tentacles?

Anyway, lost track of the issue at hand. I was reading through all of my old entries and had a couple of thoughts about how to revamp and update this shitfest I call 'blog'. One of my ideas was to make a war-like format, but I decided not to do it due to literary causes and lack of resources. Namely, because there's no Nazis for me to kill while riding atop a motorcycle with an open leather jacket and an oiled chest, rock music on the background as the hot busty blonde looks at the sheer amount of awesome in admiration. So yeah, no war journal. Then was the idea of making this into a Slenderman ARG journal but then I realized that :

1) I'd need special effects.
2) This is Peru. Nobody knows who the fuck is Slenderman.
3) The few people who DO know who is Slenderman are probably Piero and other 4chan oldfags.
5)4chan is NOT a good place to know if you plan on having a life.
4) The sum of the last 3 reasons will be an obvious impediment to getting laid if a chick from college finds this.

Also, I do NOT plan to turn this into a diary journal. So if you want to read about my daily life, try actually using msn. Yes, it still exists. Yes, it is better than Facebook. Which brings me to my next point :

IF you plan to have any amount of privacy in your life, don't use Facebook.

Sure, people will brand you as an outtaded nolife but in the end I consider having my private life kept to myself and my close bros more important than gaining the approval of people who will probably etiquette you on that embarrassing picture of you without a shirt on, taking a dump on a pool while completely drunk, thus causing your mom, dad, brothers, sisters, friends and stalkers to know that you really can't manage your alcohol because you so thoughtless added them without thinking about the gaping hole of privacy you just unleashed. Yes, it has happened. No, it wasn't me in the picture.

I was the one who took the picture. Yes, I'm a heartless bastard when I want to. ( insert lightning and bats here ). And no, untagging yourself isn't going to stop it from becoming a meme. And there's ALWAYS tha nasty wasty friend who posts embarrassing shit you don't want anyone to see.

I'm looking at you, Fernando.

SO, to finish this rant, I'll just say that without much more prelude, this blog if officially revived. I can smell the hatemail pouring to my inbox. Give me your best shot.

( If you are wondering why am I writing this in english, then I'll hve you know that all my entries will be the same. Yes, I'm showing off my english skills. Sue me. )




The Game.