Single Awareness Day : Quit bitching. This is why nobody loves you.

And is also why the last time you got laid was that night with that girl with a deep voice who kept asking you to call her Larry and did things to you in the back of the Gas Station that you will never tell anyone about. And then probably score some coke. Hell if I know, I don't do drugs.

My body naturally reproduces the same effects.

In any case, today was a very special day. Which means that I was alive for its entirety again, such a miracle life is. Oh and Valentine's Day. I still don't get the whole 'buy shit, give to girl, act gay, ????, profit' jingle that is Valentine's Day. Maybe due to the fact that I've never spent one in the company of a love o-WHY DID YOU GO AWAY NADINE, WHY WHY WHY DID YOU LEAVE AND GOT PREGNANT WITH THAT JACKASS WHO LEFT YOU TO DIE ALONE IN GUATEMALA, WE COULD'VE BUILT A LIFE TOGHET-***Hi, this is JD's repressed inner adult. Appearently, he's having some sort of emotional breakdown yet again due to the unholy amount of repressed issues, most of them having to do with lack of restrain and his lost dog who he never found again. While the doctors take care, feel free to watch this funny video about Narwhals -> http://narwhals.se/ We'll be back shortly.***

And that's how I became the prince of Bel Air. Also, Hitler. I totally killed him. SO, while I try to figure out why am I in this straitjacket and inside a mental asylum, I'll keep ranting about Valentine's Day.

( For those of you smartypants who just went 'DURRR YOU CAN'T TYPE IF YOU'RE IN A STRAITJACKET' I have only one thing to say : A wizard did it. Wanna know what else he does? Your mom. )

An inspiring story is that one of this guy in the Bible, who in order to get to bang his hot girlfriend who happened to be the daughter of the king of whatever ( It's been YEARS since I've read the bible ok? ) had to kill 50 men and as proof of his deed, he had to bring their foreskins as proof. So basically, cut their dongs off. he guy then came back after a week with 100 foreskins of the kingdom's enemies to present to the king. Obviously, he got to tap the king's daughter that same night. So remember ladies, next time you want to test your man, just ask him "How many dicks would you cut for me?". If he acts surprised, he's not worth your time. If he responds 'How many do you want?' he's probably gay and into sodomy. If he suddenly grabs the nearest sharp object and runs after the first male he sees, you've got a romance for a lifetime. Also, if you believe that story about a guy cutting dongs off isn't in the bible, look it up. After all it's the book that starts with a talking snake getting humans expelled from the VIP zone, then God deciding to drown everyone, then getting his people to be blessed, and suddenly rescuing them from Nazis/Egyptians out of nowhere by using hacks and making fire rain, sea split, then having a son with an underage girl, making that son the ultimate real life hacker who then turns into a zombie and will return one day.

Totally legit. Looks trustworthy to me.

Then on the other hand, we have atheism. The belief that in the beggining there was nothing, and that nothing happened to nothing and then suddenly something exploded for no reason, creating everything and thus rearranging it randomly into self replicating cells which then turned into dinosaurs. Makes perfect sense.

In any case remember to treat religious beliefs like your penis : Don't show it off in public, don't brag about it, and don't shove it down your children's throat.

I learned that in order to start being likeable, and actually starting to be accessible to the opposite sex, you must start by first getting to like the slobby, pitiful mashup of wasted sperm that is yourself. By accomplishing that not only do you avoid toxic relationships ( I'm looking at you, Louis ) but you're also less likely to become a putrid waste of space that should be shot down out of mercy. Namely, a Twilight fan or a Justin Bieber enthusiast. Also, girls, if you really don't want guys staring at your ass because you're using short skin-tight shorts then maybe you should stop confusing 'Sexy' with 'Prostitute'. Sure, there are places to wear that top and that mini miniskirt with high heels but college is not one of them. To quote a dialog I had last Friday :

-"The fact that I dress like a slut doesn't mean I'm a slut!"
-"Yeah well, the fact that I act like a rapist doesn't mean I'm a rapist. Nice tits by the way."

Also, dear Alexis, if you're reading this let me explain to you why women can be sluts if they sleep with many men and why men can't be whores no matter how many women they fuck : If a key opens many locks, it's a master key. If a lock is opened by many keys, it's a shitty lock. Ergo, girls, at least play hard to get. You wouldn't believe how fast rumours spread about your flexibility. And don't even get me started on those 'private photos' your boyfriend took, because I just downloaded them from the internet 1 hour after you went home.

So, I have to go now as my computer warns me there's a robbery on the national bank, and thus I must dress up in my exosuit and fight crime as the scourge of criminals. Or just go back to reading funny shit at Cracked.com, I dunno. In any case, my final remarks upon the Valentine's Day issue is :

Copulate, not populate. Have fun.